Polyamory is a value system, Arbitrary relationship boundaries, Hand sex, Sex parties, cuddle parties, snuggle parties, and more.
Guest: Roxanne DePalma
Roxanne is a co-founder at Play Den Productions, Pole Dance and Fitness Instructor at The Dollhouse Fitness, Yoga Instructor at YogaTropics, a polyamorous and a vegan. Roxanne has been teaching yoga for 15 years, teaching pole dancing for 4 years, dancing at a strip club for 4 years, sacred sexual healing for past 6 years, and professional body work for the past 20 years. Roxanne is also married to Daniel Schmachtenberger (Episode 15).
Meeting in Burning Man
Mike and his wife, Ashley, met Roxanne for the first time in Burning Man 2014, which was the Bledsoe’s first time at the festival. Mike especially noticed Roxanne and her friend, Summer Athena Fae, because they were topless and had “stare” written on their bare chest.
Don’t squash the patriarchy
Nowadays, there is a trend to squash the patriarchy. While it’s great society wants to rid old harmful patriarchal values, Roxanne feels like this connotation brings negativity, swinging the pendulum too far in the other direction. When she examined how influential people she really adores, such as, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King, acted to solve similar cultural problems, they weren’t violent and only preached love.
“I don’t want to squash the patriarchy, but be more loving all the way around.” — Roxanne DePalma
Recently, Mike was influenced by a documentary called The Red Pill. A movie about men’s rights and things that men experience that women have no idea about. Up until watching the movie, Mike had his eyes open for things that happen to women that men don’t know about. He has been very empathetic towards feminism, but wasn’t thinking about himself. This documentary got him to think about himself more often, and helped him find more compassion for himself.
“There is an underlying expectation that women are supposed to be sexy if they are going to be valuable, and with men it is success.” — Mike Bledsoe
Recently, Roxanne encountered had an event that made her change her perspective about her own aging. She was sitting out the in sun with her friend, both checking-out how much their skin has aged, and then an older man walked by and said: “Finally it’s your turn.”
That was an eye-opening moment for Roxanne, who is turning 40 this year. She had a deep realization of how humans evolve every decade. Our bodies change, our minds change, and we need to adapt to the new situation. But there is beauty not just in youth, else at each stage. Roxanne feels like she has allowed herself to enjoy the ride better and welcomes the future more positively 🙂
Mike and Ashley changed their perspective and life experience for the better by taking a course called Core Language Upgrade by Mark England (Episode 39), who became a friend of the show: Get $100 OFF Procabulary Core Language Upgrade course.
Play Den Productions
Roxanne has been teaching yoga for 15 years, teaching pole dancing for 4 years, dancing at a strip club for 4 years, sacred sexual healing for past 6 years, and professional body work for the past 20 years. She’s been teaching only at other people’s practices because it takes a lot of effort to run your own space.
A year ago she started her own thing with the help of her younger sister called Play Den Productions. It’s an online resource, where Roxanne teaches all of the things she likes to do: Kink, shibari, exotic dance, spanking, twerking, BDSM, and more.
Leaving the bubble
Mike lives in Encinitas, CA, and sometimes he forgets that anything outside Encinitas exists. But when he travels, he’s reminded of how much more there is to explore and experience. He likes to strike a balance of travel vs. staying home. He loves to travel, learn new things and have new experiences, as well as his nurturing home, where he gets rejuvenated and recharged for another adventure.
What does kink mean?
Kink comes in all shapes and forms and could be whatever you want it to be. It can range from getting blindfolded, to getting tied up, spanking, shibari, domination, submission, bondage, rope tying, and more.
You can also have kinki vanilla sex — Just look into partner’s eyes the whole time you are making love.
Sex parties, cuddle parties, and snuggle parties
Roxanne doesn’t go to swinger parties, she mostly goes to play parties run by Reid Mihalko, Kamala Devi, and Michael McClure. She also throws her own parties in an almost identical fashion to Mihalko’s cuddle parties, and Devi’s snuggle parties.
Everyone consensually shows up sober to play parties, so they’re in the right body and mind, and they’re actually practicing yes and no. The first hour is a talk on how to say Yes and No, because most people don’t know how to say it. Then, they go over how to flip a No from rejection to affirmation. And after they established consent and good communication, they go into practice. During practice, they practice how to say No in the middle of physical play, whether it would be a foot rub, long kiss, or sex.
“I’m more about the consent, and the practice of communication, and Respecting each other’s boundaries and knowing how to make boundaries. I’m more about that happening at the play parties, at the snuggle parties, than the actual snuggling happening. That being said, there’s so much fucking shame around human interaction and touch. I’m like fuck, the more orgies happening, the more puppy puddle pile, the better. Like yes that’s great too.” — Roxanne DePalma
Hand sex is different than a hand job, it could be a variety of ways of making love with your hands.
Polyamory is a value system
Polyamory is the value system of non ownership, it’s not about sleeping around necessarily. It’s about letting go of ownership or identity on how somebody loves you. Roxanne was drawn into polyamory from a young age, but her mother told her she needs to choose a path. Even though she had threesomes as a teenager, when she was 18 she chose to be monogamous.
Roxanne became polyamorous a few years ago, after reconnecting with her now husband, Daniel Schmachtenberger. Daniel was in a healthy and respectful polyamorous relationship, which Roxanne wasn’t into it at first. She was a straight shooter, very honest and devoted in her monogamous relationships, but also bi-sexual. She eventually realized she was limiting herself, and Daniel was a good, healthy model of how to practice polyamory. Daniel told her she can have a girlfriend, date other guys, and do whatever she wants.
Pro tip: Roxanne is not in any polyamory community, but if you’re looking for one, she recommends a free love community called Tamera — “Amazing communication and lifestyle practices on how to keep a tribe together.”
Becoming polyamorous wasn’t easy
It took a lot of effort for Roxanne to become polyamorous:
“Learning new kinds of relationship styles and undoing old beliefs, it’s not like it just happens in time. You don’t just sit in a polyamorous relationship and be like: ‘Time will heal all wounds.’ Fuck that. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, putting the work in to heal the wounds, heals the wounds. Sometimes you got to go in and undo some old scar tissue, and it’s hard sometimes. It’s wrenching. It was gut wrenching, heart wrenching, mind wrenching. Worth every step of the way. I’m a way better communicator than I was back then, and that’s one of the dopest things about polyamory, learning how to juggle 7 balls. It’s pretty fucking cool. It really made me a master of communication.” — Roxanne DePalma
Can’t imagine being a serial monogamous
Nowadays, monogamy sounds to Roxanne like torture in hell:
“Why would I have an arbitrary sex boundry with somebody who didn’t have an aribtrary sex boundry with me?” — Roxanne DePalma
Communication is #1 problem in relationships
People see things differently and are influenced by their own thoughts constantly. So even when you say something to your significant other that is crystal clear, it could be interpreted in another way by internal thoughts.
Mike likes to keep in mind that “Everyone remembers everything differently.”, especially when he talks to people about past events. He is ready to accept that people remember things differently than him, which makes all conversations easier.
Sex toys were created for a reason. Adults need play, just like kids do. So bring toys to your bedroom. Mike mentioned a men’s sex toy he received called Blewit.
Arbitrary relationship boundaries
Every couple has different relationship boundaries, and every place in the world has its own cultural norms. In some places, it’s more acceptable to hang out intimately with people of the opposite sex. Going out to dinner or holding hands doesn’t seem crazy. In some places, it’s less acceptable, and a man would offend his wife by dining with another woman one-on-one.
Ashley, Mike’s wife, used to feel uneasy when Mike went to dinner with other women. She wanted to know why she felt that way, so she dug deep into understanding her emotions. She figured out she might feel like she’s missing out, that Mike would leave her, or that Mike might would enjoy his time better with another woman and wouldn’t want to spend as much time with her. With time, she has learned that those were just emotions of fear, got past it, and now enjoys hearing and communicating with Mike about his dates.
Don’t push yourself too far
If you want to try a form of an open relationship, don’t push yourself too far. Take it one step of the time and set limits that you feel comfortable with. Roxanne stretched herself too far and almost broke herself. She didn’t set limits and used to get very hurt in the beginning of opening her relationship. She even wanted to go back to monogamy at some point.
When it went to far, Roxanne did some regressing, built up trust again, let go of her fears, and got into deeper levels of love and attraction. She has learned her boundaries and how to say what she was ok with and not ok with.
Pro tip: Be crystal clear in your communication about what boundaries mean. For example: Some people perceive hooking up as making out, and some perceive it as having sex.
Polyamory is not for everybody
Polyamory is not for everybody and if you can’t figure out your own happiness, you definitely can’t navigate a three person relationship. There is much more at stake, and many more hormones. You shouldn’t enter a relationship seeking to have your needs met. Meet your own needs first and figure out what you can offer in a relationship. Then make sure your intimacy issues are in-check, commitment issues in-check, and devotion in-check. Only then, you are safe to open up to a third person in a relationship.
“If you can’t be happy with yourself, then you have no business going into a relationship with somebody else.” — Roxanne DePalma
Compersion is the opposite of jealousy, it’s a feeling of joy that one partner gets when one of their partners is happy, usually because they’ve met someone new.
Strip dancing can be so much better
Roxanne truly enjoys her job dancing at a strip club. She enjoys rubbing on strangers and making money is a bonus. She sees her job as “Professional cuddling in a very sexual way.” She comes to work calm and sober, with the intention to provide deep sexual healing to people, through energy, touch, and conversation.
She knows how to deal with all kinds of people and sees stripping is another sales position. Just in your bathing suit. Roxanne is not an ethical coach at the strib club, she’s there to serve people’s need and help by providing sexual healing. She believes strip dancing should be a high profession job that not any hot 20 year old can do.
It takes inner work on security issues and strippers should have training and go through certain protocols, and love themselves. Lots of strippers project abuse and drama because people hurt them, but there are better ways to set up strip clubs to be more thoughtful, conscious, respectful. It would be great if customers were vetted too, and not there on drugs and alcohol. Most people are not too happy, and are battling some inner shit, and strip dancing should be a place to help heal.
Qualia is a supplement you need less of over time
Qualia by Neurohacker Collective is a cognition enhancer. What’s cool about the product, is that the formula is meant to enhance your brain long-term, to the point that you’re going to need less and less of it over time. Daniel Schmachtenberger (Episode 15) and his partners created the product not to make the most money, else with deep intentions to help people make better decisions by upgrading their hardware.
Mike took Qualia for 18 months straight, and now cycles in and out of it. He believes you shouldn’t consume anything every single day. He even cycles his water now!
Online program — All things kink
Go to Play Den Productions for a 6 week online program about all things kink. Roxanne will teach you how to set up the scene for spanking, how to do it safely, how to have direct conversation, communication and consent with everybody involved. She also breaks all myths about what’s kinki, answering many FAQs such as: What happens if you have kids? Can you do it at a certain age? Do you have to get fit?
Most threesomes fail
How to have a threesome is a big deal and most threesomes fail. It’s an art figuring out how to have three people engage with their bodies (as we’re built for one-on-one sex), and different rhythms. Some threesomes flow better than others as people carry different vibrations and have different love making styles.